I am a mother of 2 girls. But, I have always thought that it might be quite nice to have a boy-child. After all, I grew up with 2 brothers, I have several boy cousins and nephews, my girls are best friends with boys at school…*sigh* It seems they get everywhere, apart from in my womb.
So here are eight reasons why I think I deserve a boy-child if/when I next become pregnant.
Reason #1. FOOTBALL
I need someone to fob The Photographer off on when he rewinds a football goal specifically for me to watch. Seriously, I could not give less of a fuck. But he doesn’t quite understand that yet. The girls, bless them, play like they are into football and wear the football shirts that The Photographer buys them, but I see their interest wane after 10 minutes of watching a match. I hear them ask daddy “what team is that again?” over and over, during those 10 minutes. Their eyes glaze and then they begin to find distractions, like tidying their room. Their hearts just aren’t in it. You know that I can’t abide gender stereotypes, but, I’m sorry, my boy-child would have to be into football. I would ensure that he was fully indoctrinated from birth.
Reason #2. SCHOOL SHORTS
I want to experience buying some boy-child school shorts and pairing them with knee-length grey socks and a pair of brown sandals.
Cute is not even the word!
Reason #3. HAIR
Having two daughters with afro hair is not an easy thing. Every Sunday is hair day. I take out their braids, wash, condition and moisturise their hair and scalp, comb it out, then either re-braid it or not, depending on my energy levels at the time. Then there is the maintenance mid-week, if said hair begins to look too messy to be acceptable (because slightly messy is always acceptable). This takes a considerable amount of effort and I need a break. If I had a boy-child, I would buy the finest set of clippers and learn to cut his hair myself! I would even give him a fade, and perhaps a design, because that is way easier than braiding my girls’ hair. I’ve watched Barbershop. I know the deal.
Reason #4. BROTHER TEACHER
As previously mentioned, I have 2 brothers. I grew up knowing all about boys and what makes them tick. Nothing that I saw in the school playground shocked or surprised me because I had seen it already at home. I knew what a willy looked like. I knew that boys smell. I knew that boys mature less quickly than girls. I knew that boys are simple creatures, incapable of comprehending the mind games that the least wily female can conjure up. This knowledge was power and I want this for my girls.
Reason #5. TOILET QUEUES
Ladies, you know what it’s like when you’re out shopping and your girl-child needs the toilet. You run all the way to the public toilets, only to find a massive queue of sour-faced women, some with and some without more girl-children. This queue can take anywhere from 2 to 20 minutes to dissipate. Then you get to the cubicle. The next stage of the operation is critical and demands efficiency and effectiveness. If you are anything like me, you realise that the public toilet is a place where bacteria goes to party hard! As such, the toilet seat cannot be sat upon. While we might easily hover, a girl-child, generally, cannot. Therefore, upon entering the cubicle, you coach your child through the layering of the toilet seat with toilet paper, ensuring that they do not wet themselves while you are prepping the area. You may also include the prior step of antibac-ing the seat, but this is a matter of personal preference.
Once prepped, you place your girl-child on the tissue and make sure that there is no slippage. This continues until the girl-child is old enough to layer up the toilet seat herself (perhaps around age 6/7 years). With a boy-child, once he was able to walk, I imagine one would simply stand outside the cubicle while they stand there doing their business. Job done.
Reason #6, 7 and 8. TEENAGE GIRLS
This one is worthy of the final 3 places as it is a massive deal. I will be forced to contend with 2 teenage girls who are 2 years apart. Need I say anymore?
Mothers of boy-children: please correct me if I am wrong about any of the above. Are there any others that I have missed off my list?
Universe, I hope you too are reading this. When/if we are lucky enough to be blessed with another, can you have a word with those little X and Y chromosomes, pretty please?
Please note: Before the haters start hating, this post is in no way intended to suggest that I would be disappointed if I had a girl-child in the near or distant future. Neither is it meant to promote the commoditisation of boy-children. It’s just meant to be mildly funny.